Even after all these years I still wonder how did you do it? How were you able to stay sane being brought up in an orphanage with me? It seemed many of them lost all hope and resorted to drugs and alcohol since there was little to no future for us. How many nights did you feel depressed? How did you manage your pain? The people who were supposed to take care of us did not really care. You were like an older brother to me which I never had.
Do you remember when we were crossing a river by going over an icy fallen tree? I slipped and you caught me with one arm. Surprisingly we both stayed very calm as I was hanging onto your arm. I don’t know how you managed to keep me up while keeping your balance. I thought I was going to die until you caught me.
I could relate to your demeanor because it matched mine. Although you were far more assertive compared to me. Mostly because you were older than me by about ten years. You showed me that what I needed was to develop resilience to get through the tough times of being an abandoned orphan. Those times when I felt like an outcast because I was a poor orphan, and the normal kids were mean to me I occasionally would ask myself what would you do? And although I eventually managed to hang around some cool kids and pretty girls I still felt insecure for various reasons at that time of my life.
One time I saw an older sibling from a normal family teaching his younger brother to fight other kids it was the apposite of what you and I were about. Eventually those kids tried to beat me up, and I threw an icy snowball at the younger kids face and made him bleed. I did not feel any anger or resentment toward him rather empathy. I did not want to inflict pain, I was simply trying to stand up for myself. I saw the concern on his brothers face. How beautiful I thought……….
“that kid has someone who is concerned about his well being.” I had none at that moment of my life and it was an amazing sight to see.
This memory makes me think of quote from the book, “Enders Game” which best describes how I felt whenever I have been in a fight and hurt someone, “In that moment when I truly understand my enemy, I understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him.”
I remember one time seeing a young kid cycling and some asshole threw a condom filled with water at his bicycle chain and ruining the bike. As my friends and I rushed to help the poor kid.
Its funny how a condom can ruin a kids day. That is truly an innovative way to piss someone off or ruin their day. Ironically not having a condom while making love to a woman can also ruin a man’s day.
Well it looks like I went off track………..
Anyways, I’m glad I went through those experiences because it was definitely character building and I learned how to deal with various distressing emotions. I suffered because I resisted pain. The ability to let go of my emotions came when I simply allowed the pain to flow through me and allowed it to help me rather than fight it. Suffering is resistance to pain(acknowledgment,Jonny Dupre). I’m actually quite sensitive to emotions and learned that it’s best to embrace them fully in order to let go of them.
You were truly like the brother I never had. You were one of the people who had a positive impact upon me. Even though you were immensely calm I could see sadness when I looked in your eyes. You were truly in tune with your emotions, and always tried to see things from an objective, and an optimistic view.Those times when I saw you looking out into the city as you pondered life eventually became me when I became your age. Sadly I forgot your name and cannot recall it. If you ever read this I hope you are doing great.